NO WORDS…

MY SEARCH FOR SOPHIA (Divine Wisdom)

It’s almost been a year since I pushed away someone who could’ve been really good for me. He has tested my whole concept of who I am , what I’ve done and what life is about. Well into half of the second half of my first century, I still have not mastered a good relationship. My picker always seems to be broken and I have been in relationships that weren’t really good fits for me.

In 2019 after deciding to pull back from my career, I put my whole focus on one of my hobbies. Obviously my life was ready for a reevaluation. My partner from the previous 15 plus years and I lived different lives…did nothing together. We definitely were not on an equal contribution scale. I felt used. I felt unheard. I felt undervalued. Felt like I was in the wrong place. Intimacy had disappeared over a decade ago. I felt that I gave more than I got back. I had been there for him through many health issues and he had supported me in a couple of my stressful life situations. I knew, without a doubt. this was not how I wanted to live out the rest of my years. I decided I needed to make changes if I wanted my life to be different.

We split up and I tried to fill my time with the activities with friends who shared the same interests. One of my friends filled holes in my social calendar and we both decided that maybe we should take it to the next level and date. (This was about six months into the separation) . Being with him was what I wanted…I enjoyed all our times together…Still I had to grieve the loss of my other relationship. (I never was a “rebounder”). Unfortunately he was at a different place, and didn’t understand my need to keep the boundaries until I felt whole.

Then WAMO the pandemic hit and the world turned upside down. We tried to keep it alive but in spite of the fact that I really loved him and wanted to be with him. I knew I wasn’t healed enough nor ready for another relationship. I (with his help!) tried to talk myself into it. Ultimately panic would take over and I would retreat. I finally decided that the only thing I could do was give him his life so he wouldn’t have to deal with his frustration let go. It hurt every day and it still hurts. He is not my guy anymore and I also lost my best friend.

This is not my normal MO. I am not one to wallow in sadness and regret. It caught me so off guard. Maybe it’s because I know it was my last chance. I care for him and he was such a positive force in my life. I want him to be happy but knowing it is with someone else is beyond pain. The last time we spoke he told me he was “seeing someone” and also that he didn’t “feel the same” about me anymore. My heart broke but hopefully I will have enough pride to just let it (him) go.

In my search for “Sophia” I found this Portuguese word. It finally gave me an identifier for where I am :

SOUDADE
a Portuguese and Galician word that has no direct translation in English. It describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic or deeply melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. Moreover, it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing will never return.